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| I'm taking a breather.
Life can make you weary. My personality causes me to see it as an
obstacle course---something to maneuver through as quickly as
possibly. Sometimes I get trapped in things, in mindsets, that aren't
healthy. And I forget that this world we've been given was meant to be
enjoyed. I forget that I'm free.
So I'm taking a breather from some things. Things that make my life more complicated but not better.
I don't really know how to voice what those things are. Mostly just my
mindset. I feel weighted down by negativity and by self-inflicted
rules and expectations. I feel like I've bought into a lie that I gave up on years ago.
But mostly I feel tired. | | |
| I'm having the same debate I've had before. Many times before. It's a
question that comes back to my mind when times are bad. I've never
found the answer.
I
found myself literally asking, "what would Jesus do?". And I don't know
the answer. Where does the line between loving someone and being used
fall? Does such a line even exist?
Do
not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you
do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you
to pieces. -Matthew 7:6
If it's love. If it's having
patience and understanding. Talking on the phone when they're lonely
and need someone. Being proactive in showing them that someone really
cares. Is it right? If the person recognizes why you're doing it.
Recognizes God's hand it the matter, by verbally admitting God's work
and how grateful he is. Yet, the next week, when the world had dealt
him a good hand---totally forgets everything. Should you continue?
At
first I think how similar this relationship is to mine with God. And I
think how God always takes me back. But, then I see verses like the one
above. There are lots on fools, on not wasting your time. And then
there are verses on forgiving and turning the other cheek.
So
I don't know. If relationships were easy, if people could be labeled as
either a 'fool' or an 'enemy' then the answer would be clear. But
relationships aren't easy. And it's hard to make a decision without my
emotions being involved. I'm split, between wanting to keep a friend I
love and wanting to just stop, give up, and protect myself. And my
motives aren't totally selfless either. The relationship is mutual, and
by giving up I'm also losing one of the people I'm closest to. God
works in my life through him.
So, I'm left thinking how as
Christians we're called to be "little Christs". And in the new
testament there are so many examples of Christ in similar (and often
much worse) situations. Was he used? Yes. Was he betrayed? Of course.
It
seems so radical. Frankly, it seems down right stupid. To waste your
time on someone who probably will never really understand. To give
someone the ability to hurt you; to arm them.
And, yeah, it
worked in the new testament. But, when it's something this small. Small
as two people, whose relationship will probably never be known. Does it
still matter? Is it still "worth it"?
I try not to look for
signs anymore. I've always teetered on the fence of superstition and,
if I start looking for signs, I start thinking that I should only do
things when God sends a sign. The last couple of years I've been trying
to move away from that, at least a little. To find real, day-to-day,
simple applications of God in my life. Those are so much harder than
being superstitious and waiting for signs.
Anyway, so Saturday
night I had a dream. I was talking with someone I didn't know and, for
some reason he pulled out a Bible. Opened it to Hebrews 11 (the faith
chapter). I remember 11:1 from all those years of bible drill and
apparently in my dream remembered as well.
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
I
hope that somewhere, deep down, he understands. That, while I can't see
that his words are true. While I can't trust his words because his
actions don't always back them up, I hope he does get it. I hope that
when he says, "I don't think it's a coincident that you're talking
about this tonight" that he really does believe that God designed it.
That God put me there.
Is this right, God? Is this how we're
suppose to act. To act like fools for you? If my motives aren't always
pure, does your work still get done? | | |
| I was going to work out because I couldn't just sit in my room
depressed and I wasn't really sure what else to do. I needed to talk,
but I'm so bad at doing that of my own accord. I needed to be around
people, but I didn't feel like there was anyone in New Orleans I could
do that with.
I had just sat down in my car when I saw them
pull up. They piled out of Amanda's Liberty like it was a clown car.
And, for the first time in a long time, I felt like God had listened to
a prayer of mine.
I can't really explain how I feel. Grateful. Humbled. Broken.
Really really really loved. | | |
| I guess this is worth a post...I haven't written in forever.
I'm
moving back to Hattiesburg. I dislike writing about information here; I
prefer writing about ideals and feelings. Information always comes out so cold...but
here it is.
I'm moving to go to USM for my Masters in Science
Education, where I will [hopefully] have a graduate assistantship as a
lab instructor. The assistantship is pretty much the job I wanted when
I graduated, I just didn't have a way to get it.
So, now that that's over.
I'm
not sure how I feel. I'm glad to be moving back. At the same time there
are things here that I will miss. I will miss the community that I am a
strange part of. I don't quite belong, at least I've never felt like I
did. But I never feel like I belong anywhere, so I guess that's my
place.
I think the decision to move back will be the first in my life I've ever truly made because I wanted to.
I'm moving back to Hattiesburg because I want to.
So
without all the reasons I can list, the reasons that it would be good
for me to move back. Even if it weren't logical, it's what I want. And
that's strange to me. To do something because I want to; not because
it's the logical step in life.
I think the question of
Mississippi or Louisiana is one of those where God really doesn't care.
They're both good choices and He wants me to choose. So, I guess I
choose Mississippi.
I think I could like it here. I would need
to change jobs, I know. I would have to follow a totally different
lifestyle...but I don't want to. There's something about Mississippi.
Something about being raised in and by a state. I'm one of those MSMS
kids that the school worked on; I want to stay and give back.
So,
I'm coming home. And I don't really expect to fit in much better there
than here because I don't think you can move away from problems that
are inside you. But, if I'm going to wrestle with life, I'd rather do
it there. | | |
| I wrote this a while back and posted it on my [other] blog. I forgot to put it here...
January 25, 2008
I think that my biggest problem in New Orleans is my inability to
commit. It makes sense; I consider myself a very committed and loyal
person. The only problem is, at the moment, I'm committed to another
town.
I guess it always happens that way. It takes a while for your head and heart to move.
There's this museum in town: The Louisiana Children's Museum.
The purpose and how the museum functions interests me. It's the type of
place I looked into a job at when I first thought about moving.
They
have a volunteer program where volunteers have the potential of manning
exhibits, explaining parts of them...how they work, etc. And, while
it's exactly the opportunity I have been looking for, I still have reservations.
Catch-22. I won't commit because this isn't home, but the main reason this isn't home is because I won't commit.
So, I've filled out the application with the intentions of mailing it in. Here's to another attempt at living. | | |
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